New Beginnings

This one is going to be long so be prepaired lol. I can feel it already. Where to begin, ugh last week I had this crazy dream where I was 45 and still waiting for someone to return to me. The dream had more to it, but when I woke up all I was thinking was "is this a sign" telling me if I wait now I might wait forever. It takes some a few weeks to come to a certain conclusion, but for those that are indecisive it can take even longer... 45 years old, single and waiting.. wow. I did a lot of praying, attended church and really sat down and evaluated my life. I feel this different person inside me. I really do. I got up went and got my nails done & my toes done haha.. felt like a beautiful woman, analyzed my imperfections and pin pointed things I wanted to change and things I loved about myself. I know no two loves are the same, I know in relationships you have to give and not expect things in return. Compromises, pushing pride & anger to the side, and communication is what will make it last. Openness and honesty are key factors. And that's what I want. To feel special, worthwhile, beautiful to him, and to trust he won't lie or decieve me. I miss the hugs, I miss the kisses, I miss the Sunday's laying in bed all day chillin, lol I even miss the bratty ways. I don't miss the arguments, I don't miss the tears, and I don't miss the hurtful things that are said. I miss his smile, or how he would rub his fingers threw my hair, I miss how it felt to know he was a phone call away. I miss talking about music with him and laughing at random stuff. I wonder if he feels the same, if he thinks of me, if his heart still belongs to me... I just feel .. in a way.. lost. I wonder where he's been, if he's the same, & whose been with him? It was a strong love, friendship and connection. But it's not there anymore, all that is left is a memory, I'm afraid that's what convinces me more and more that ...... Look, Ijust know things aren't the same, and it kills me. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself - but I pray and ask for help and guidance.

I have decided to make a transformation, this is the year for change. To better myself to love myself. I have decided to completly trust in the Lord and do my very best to do well in his ways. He knows the things I hope to change and how I want to better myself. I already feel I'm becoming a better person, I and others notice the improvements. It's all a gradual process. This time next year, I will be some one different with a bit of the same traits.There are things that make me "me" - and those will always remain, but there are things that are the old me that need go. My process now is understanding the Lord and listening to what should stay and what should go. I'm trully blessed with great friends and family that are supportive and honestly we've gotten closer over time & it feels soo great. Church, work and skewl will occupy my time, I've never been a club hopper person, there is nothing wrong with going out from time to time, but to have a "free for all" is def not me. I have been focussing on me and what makes me happy. I've been searching for the key thing. All I know now is if I want to get past all the pain & heartache, I had to go through it cuz I couldn't go around it and sure couldn't skip it. Just trying to put the pieces back together, and it's obvious it wasn't right before or else it wouldn't have came crumbling down. So as I put it back together, sure I'll make mistakes but hopefully this time with the Lord's help I'll get it a little more closer to "right" then to "wrong"...