Troubled Me ...

It scares me at time... to think of the past and how things seem like such a cycle. You wish something would just stop and come to its end already, but then you wish some things could just go back to how they were... but you can't only have one with out the other... or can you?

I have connected with a lot of people but there are few outside of family members that I actually feel "connected" to ya know what i mean. My father is definetly someone I have an odd relationship/connection with. There are some that have seen the ups and downs I have experienced with my dad. These are the people I would think would understand my pain the most. As odd as it is though... They are not. They contribute and add on to that weird connection/relationship. People ask for my help or my attention, but I can only bear so much. To look into your eyes and see that emptiness that is with in kills me. I wonder if I had a part in it... I sit next to my father a man that has draged me thru hell and hurt me so much... and then i turn to you and see the hurt i have for you. its as if i know you are feeling pain and I feel it for you too. Except i express my emotions and feelings through words .. you chose liquor, drugs, cigerates, a slash to the wrist... some say if I stick around the old you may return.. but just by looking in your eyes, i know that person has come and gone.. and will never return. You were once so innocent and pure.. and some how your eyes got opened to a whole new world (maybe it was my fault) once you got the taste of the thrill you wanted to experience more and newer things.. then i lost you. I care for you so much that it trully disturbs me.

its like someone is asking for my help because they are drowning, while i'm trying to save my dad over here i have someone else asking for my help next to him. They are both very important to me ... but i feel weak and I know my strength can't handle them both plus trying to keep myself out of water... its only a matter of time before they pull me in, except i don't think i would even have the strength to hold my head above water... so do i turn away? or is that being selfish.. ahhh i don't know what to do.. all i know is that it kills me to see you both the way you are, it angers me too, ive had to deal with that crap all my life, i never woulda thought you would make me relive those moments and i never would have thought my father would continuously drag me through the mud with him... lord give me strength....