Your Environment Does Not Define You

Your environment does not define you, unless you allow it to. Where you came from, what you been thru or what you're going thru is your environment. Use your current position in life, no matter how negative it may seem, as inspiration to push you forward or you can use it as an excuse to stay where you are and do nothing. Everyone is going to make mistakes, no one is perfect, what's more important than the mistake you make is what you learn from it and how you can use it to never make that mistake again. Some people come from a background where their families were in a gang or did drugs and they let that define them, they set it up in their brain that they have to go join that gang, or they have to try that drug. You can't think like this, you must rise above it and use that environment to motivate you to better yourself. Seing those people go down that road, you know what the possible out comes are - Jail, hurting the people you love, or death. Use this information to motivate yourself and tell yourself you won't go down that same road. I've made some horrible mistakes, and everytime I feel I'm rising above the environment I came from, I end up doing something that makes me "just like them". But I learn from my mistakes and I move forward, I don't stay there in that place, I will use this experience to make sure I never do it again. I have lost someone that I love so very much because of my mistakes, I have scared those that I love and I pushed them away. I have learned thru my mistake how important these people are, and how I won't ever hurt them the same way ever again. Because I will not allow myself to make that same mistake. My environment right now is kinda weak-kinda dark, but I will not let that define me, I will rise above with the help of the Lord and proceed forward. My focus right now is to use my life experiences this far and better myself, my issues, my thoughts, and my future environment.

Psalms 5:9 Guide me, O Lord, in Your righteousness. On account of my foes, make my way straight before me.

Another day

Well I honestly have no choice, I mean I can't walk around sad forever right? I started these new meds and they kinda make me feel peppy haha, haven't felt like that since before the new year. Anywho, I couldn't sleep at all last night just kept thinking... ugh, I wonder what he's doing, if when he gets to work he thinks aobut texting me to tell me he made it, or when he's driving home if he thinks about calling me to talk... or if he even thinks about me at all throughout the day... Maybe he doesn't even care, "out of sight out of mind" maybe he thinks "I'm glad I don't have to call her, a weight off my shoulders". I dunno. I told his mom that I have forgiven myself for what happened, and only God can judge me, it's not upto anyone else to make me feel bad or punish me for my sins only the Lord. Yet, I still feel like I'm getting punished. I saw this quote it said, I'm not perfect, sometimes I'm bratty, I'm a bit insecure and can be hard to deal with sometimes, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. What do you think about that? some say I need someone strong enough to be with me. But what the heck does that mean, it's not like i physically abuse someone and i need a tuff guy to handle it lol. i need someone that knows how to reach me in my darkest moments and he did... but he doesn't want to anymore. He doesn't wanna worry about me he wants to only worry about himself. and in a few months i hear he's with someone else, lol, thats like "well you worrying about someone else now" but i guess if thats how it is than thats how it is. thats how the cookie crumbles. I have straightening out i need to do. getting over him is one. Its gna be hard, moving on always is. But if there's no other option, than I have no choice right?.... Right...

It hurts

It's crazy to me how you love someone so long, pull through make it work, and then you just walk away. I understand people fall out of love, cheat on eachother, or hurt eachother in other ways. This process of relationships just sucks, everyone says you'll be fine and in time you'll get over it. But i love him. with all my heart. I won't call him and beg and plead to get back together, I did this so he can have a better life, but I'm entitled to being hurt, to having my heart broken, it's natural. If i walked away and didn't feel hurt, angry, or any kind of emotion then thats when there's something wrong. ugh, but why does it have to hurt soo bad

the break-up

well it's true - don't even know where to begin. For a moment the break up was mutual, and it was left with a feeling of hope, like things will be okay. I cried myself to sleep last night, praying to God that we made the right decision. Praying that he'd give us the strength to get through. This moring woke up with a little bit of hope of friendship. But after talking on the phone this morning it is quite clear that what I once thought it to be is not the case. You don't want me, you don't want to be with me, it would have happened eventually, you should have just ended it last week, you can't handle my load, these are all the phrases that run through my mind... you know I was thinking, and I remembered another time we broke up because you said my life was too complicated and you couldn't handle it. Then when we talked i told you that i was ride or die for you, and all your troubles i never told you I couldn't handle it and jus bounce on you when times got hard, and you agreed and said you were wrong and we got back together. I was the one that initiated this break-up by saying maybe I have put you thru a lot and you don't deserve that, you should focus on your work, and you agreed. but now it just seems like you were waiting for me to mention something of the sort and then it was your chance to break fee. We've all gone thru soo much these past few months, and for you to treat me the way you did this morning, so harsh, like i didn't just have my heart broken killled me over twice. I couldn't walk into work, my eyes were sooo puffy. last night i missed you, wanted you in my arms, wanted things to be okay. Today i feel like the standard ex girlfriend that you're just throwing to the side, and after alll that we been thru I never NEVER thought it'd be like that between us. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend.. you get to go call your best friend right back, and she'll gladly be there to tell how you deserve better and I wasn't good for you. You told me that I was afraid because I knew you would find someone better... no thats not what i fear because I know I'm good girlfriend, if anything you might go out and date other girls and see how great I really was, I fear the feelings I'll feel when I hear you're with some one else.. or some one in particular. Today I told you, this is why I don't trust any body or let anyone in, because they promise to always be there when I need them and then they bounced, and thats what you're doing, you're telling me my problems are too hard to bear and you gotta bounce, you are an outsider getting the left overs of my problems... i'm the insider going through my problems, i wish i had the ability to say this is too much and walk away, but i can't. I'm sorry my life isn't easy to be a part of. I told I felt like you stabbed me in the back, my best friend is walking away from me ... how am i suppose to feel, and it's not like walking away and saying "i'm still here if you need me" today you made it loud and clear that i need to leave you alone. I never thought for one second we'd end like this.. never but nothing ever turns out the way you want it to. So you take a chance on love, and you lose a friend.

I may be a bad ass when it comes to other stuff, but when it comes to love, i'm soo scared and you knew that... but we took a chance, and it didn't last.. "why do we love love, when love seems to hate us".. two people that said they loved eachother soo much can't handle being around eachother. I'm sorry for my mistakes, Im sorry for the pain, I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted or expected. The way you spoke today, makes me wonder if we walk away with sweet memories, or if you just walk away thinking of only bad things... thats a horrible feeling, to think the romantic things i've done, or we've done, or the good times are soo easily forgotten and our 2 years 4 months together is just looked at as a blob of bad times.. damn

The Simplest Phrase

Isn't it funny how the simplest phrase can change everything?

Maybe someone said something you weren't expecting.

Or perhaps they said something you'd hope they'd say.

Or even if they said something you couldn't believe they'd ever say.

It just some how can brighten everything,

or darken everything.

"sticks and stones may brake my bones, but words will never hurt me"

Is bull, lol cuz words hurt and words can make you feel good

been down in the dumps a lot lately.

A lot has been on my mind,

about work, love, life... carrying on,

Sometimes the outcome you come to makes you feel worse

than the issue at hand.

Ugh, life! all i know is in a brief moment things changed.

I wouldn't say all my problems went away,

but a bit of the pressure was lifted off my shoulders

by the simplest phrase

huh...

"is there anything I can do 2 make things better?"

... you just did =)

It's Nothing

It's nothing,
is all I say.
It's nothing,
are you sure?
It's nothing,
Usually when it's nothing,It sure as hell is something.
And everytime you just let it go,
I don't know what it is..
So I say it's nothing.
Something just don't feel right.
But I can't put my finger on it.. so
It's nothing.. all I know is...
When you're gone, I cry.
When you're there, I still do.
I wish all it was,....... was...... nothing.

Is this...

Is this how it should be?
Is this as good as it gets?
I was under the impression that it was so lovely.
Not fighting till there's nothing left.
Is this normal?
Is this right?
I mean it isn't horrible,
But for everything I have to fight.
Is this really what is best?
Is this the worst part?
Please tell me it gets better than this.
Please DON'T tell me this is just the start.

Felicia Alcaraz's Info

well honestly, this thing was first created to give me a little extra cash in my pocket with the "ad-sense" but that fell apart lol.. and this became more of a daily journal for me. It has helped me to realese some of my inner thoughts and to inform "whoever" reads this about whats going on in Felicia Alcaraz's world. This is the weekend after Valentines... how was mine... well we kinda had a little splat but we over came it.. thats what love is about getting those bumps in the road and riding them out. He did get me a very special gift that i have wanted for a few months now.. he got me "The book of Psalms" I've already started reading it. I've never been into reading religious books, but i caught a glimpse of this book over my new years mishap and it really touched me. So now i'm reading it. Something to do with my spare time and to continue educating myself. Well i had a 3 day weekend and had yesterday off. it was nice. i went to my moms for dinner (larry & i) and just visited for a while. So far thats about all that happened. gotta get back to work.

Home, Home, Home

well lets see, im sorry i haven't written, i honestly haven't been that that busy at work, i guess there's so much going on that i always forgot. Well today is thursday, whats going on? lets see, well Larry found this artist that he really liked and I found that artist page and sent him an email (totally not thinking he'd even read it) but I took a shot and asked if he could send Larry some motivational words since he's kinda been down about his art. And sure enough the guy did, right after I sent the email, it was great and surprising. to props to Mike Thompson. Plus Larry talked to Pat and that totally motivated him even more. Larry thanked me for the email and told me he really appreciates me being supportive and on his side. Im glad to help! It totally hailed on Tuesday over here it was like 39 degrees, we were freezing. um.. what else, there is something totally in my bed, i got bit like crazy tuesday night so i washed my sheets and vacuumed around the bed.. but last night i got bit again and crazy like freaken lookin like i got the chicken pocks haha. But my dad said he would go in there today and clean everything out.. which brings me to my last issue, i am taking my dad back to santa ana today... kinda dreading it.. as someone once told me "you can take the horse to the water, but you can't make the horse drink the water".. i've done everything in my power to help my dad and lead him in a better direction but no matter what it is ultimately his decision to do better, and if he chooses to faulter again, what am i to do but stand to the side... i have to focus on me and mine, i've tried, and i've tried.. its upto him. I feel sad taking him.. it's like i'm placing him in the middle of a road and i know a truck is bound to come and run him over... i'm returning him to this city and place that supplies the most horrifying lilfe... he's a grown ass man and i can't make his decisions or be his keeper... this man has haunted my life for so long, and probabley will the rest of my life, i just know what is best for me is to not have him living with me anylonger... i feel so torn inside. ugh!

Untitled

Rain against my window,

sorrow in my heart,

feeling that i love you,

but will we ever part.

Drops fall from the sky,

some hard some soft,

like blows to the ground,

will my hurt ever stop?

Grey clouds hover in,

it blocks out the light

I wanna see the rainbow,

but it's no where in sight.

Heavy heart full of grey clouds,

just let the rain fall

or have the sun come out.

unleash the inner pain,

let it pour out like rain,

and when it does

let it be enuff

to release the inner strain

I Got My Own

I got my own, really feeling that remix with Jamie Foxx "She Got Her Own" because that's the type of woman I am. Many men would be grateful to have one like me. I do for me, and get mine on my own. Got my first ride when I was 16. Been working since I was 11. Got my second car at 21 got my own place at 23 and put myself through School. When I graduated I got accepted to so many university's. And that was me applying and pushing myself. I got my AA and got a good job which I have moved up in 5 times and am the Director of my own department. I love having my man, but he knows that i don't "need" him. I handle my bills and ish on my own. Mommy & daddy don't help me. Sister didn't hand down nothing to me.. i refuse to borrow money from any of them. I get by and so many times I've taken my man out to dinner, even bought him roses and had em delivered to his house. haha that was classic. I can stand on my own two feet, of coarse it is nice to have someone by my side, but i know i'll have the finer things in life regardless. I got my own. I love the people that have supported me along the way and thank them. I've just always been independent and aggressive in getting what i want and getting it done. I'm glad and proud to be one of those women.

Anotha Day

Yesterday I totally forgot to write, it was kinda buys at work, but still... Well tomorrow is the 6th, which is 2 years and 4 months. It's kinda weird, lately i've been getting this weird vibe from Larry. You ever feel like someone is just tired of you, it hurts, but at the same time, you try to keep your distance just to make sure they don't get that "tired" of you. But for me, it's like love out of a fairytale i swear. I think about him all the time, i get excited when ever he calls me, it's the feelings you get when you first start daiting someone, but here I am feeling it 2 years and 4 months later... thats what ever girl wants .. to always feel that.. BUT.. they want their man to feel the same way. Don't get me wrong i know he loves me, (he wouldn't have stuck around this long if he didn't) its just i dunno, maybe i'm trippin. Sometimes i feel like i'm the "stand by" girl, until he finds "the one".. and I feel like he is "the one". People always say in realtionships there is always one person that loves the other more, I can think of a hand ful of relationships right now, and pick out who loves the other more... With mine, i feel like i love him more.. its kewl to love someone sooo much, i'm just really needy and i need someone who's gonna let me know they love me sooo much, and can't be without me on a regular basis, not just in an argument.. i'm like getting emotional right now writing this, i just feel sooo torn right now. i wanna call him and be like "hi baby i love you".. but i just feel like he's gonna be like "hey" and that kills me... it's like a slapp in the face. I know he has a lot going on right now with him self so i'm trying to be understanding and give him his space.. honestly i'm just feelin really heart broken =(



*tell the person you love them every possible moment that you can, because you never know if that's going to be the last possible moment to tell them that.*

Be Optimistic

So much is going on right now... ugh, why can't life be a calm steady lake... instead it has to be like ragging rapids, crashing ocean waves? But you have to be optimistic and look on the bright side... my dad's two weeks are up on Friday, what do I do, of coarse by now he's come up with news that he won't have a place to go to... but I just don't feel right having him there, it makes things akward for Larry and I, and my bills are higher than usual. I know my dad tries not to eat my food up, and not waiste electricity I appreciate that, he cleans house and does his part. The fact is, I just don't have the money to take care of another individual. My income is for ONE not two. I just want to do right. but what is right? ugh! I dunno. On the brighter side, it's nice to come home to dinner cooked and ready for me, the house cleaned, and the puppies have someone to play with all day....
I start kickboxing class today, I'm a little scared because my ass has gained soo much weight, I know this is gonna kill me. But i'm excited to see what a month of kickboxing will do for me (lets keep our fingers crossed haha)
Have been getting close with Larry's sister. I love it, it's like having that sister I never had... sometimes, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells, like i have to watch my steps, i don't want to be too pushy or like "trying to hard" i'm a very aggressive person, so "getting to know someone" is hard for me... i like wanna know everything right away.. baby steps though I kno I kno. I'm just glad that we are on kewl enuff terms that we can email or myspace eachother and everyone knows there is no alterior motive, I'm not tryin to take her away from any friends or anything, just trying to gain a new friend =) I'm not thinkin she's being my friend to go talk mess behind my back with other friends, I think she's sincerly interested in being friends (this freakin sounds like a relationship) haha..
The point i'm tryin to make here, is although this rushing crashing ocean of a life is ruff, there is always good to put a smile on my face and make me be optimistic. Thats just the way the cookie crumbless =) All that matters to me is I got Larry by my side to go through the motions, and I'm strong enuff to have lasted this far hehe

Phenomenal Woman - That's Me*

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size.

But when I start to tell them, they think I'm telling lies.

I say, it's the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips.

I'm a woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

I walk into a room, just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on thier knees.

Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees.

I say, it's the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can't touch my inner mystery.

When i try to show them they say they still can't see.

I say it's in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style.

I'm a woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

Now you understand just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing it out to make you proud.

I say it's in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, the need of my care,

Cause i'm a woman Phenomenally,

Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

-Maya Angelou