the break-up

well it's true - don't even know where to begin. For a moment the break up was mutual, and it was left with a feeling of hope, like things will be okay. I cried myself to sleep last night, praying to God that we made the right decision. Praying that he'd give us the strength to get through. This moring woke up with a little bit of hope of friendship. But after talking on the phone this morning it is quite clear that what I once thought it to be is not the case. You don't want me, you don't want to be with me, it would have happened eventually, you should have just ended it last week, you can't handle my load, these are all the phrases that run through my mind... you know I was thinking, and I remembered another time we broke up because you said my life was too complicated and you couldn't handle it. Then when we talked i told you that i was ride or die for you, and all your troubles i never told you I couldn't handle it and jus bounce on you when times got hard, and you agreed and said you were wrong and we got back together. I was the one that initiated this break-up by saying maybe I have put you thru a lot and you don't deserve that, you should focus on your work, and you agreed. but now it just seems like you were waiting for me to mention something of the sort and then it was your chance to break fee. We've all gone thru soo much these past few months, and for you to treat me the way you did this morning, so harsh, like i didn't just have my heart broken killled me over twice. I couldn't walk into work, my eyes were sooo puffy. last night i missed you, wanted you in my arms, wanted things to be okay. Today i feel like the standard ex girlfriend that you're just throwing to the side, and after alll that we been thru I never NEVER thought it'd be like that between us. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend.. you get to go call your best friend right back, and she'll gladly be there to tell how you deserve better and I wasn't good for you. You told me that I was afraid because I knew you would find someone better... no thats not what i fear because I know I'm good girlfriend, if anything you might go out and date other girls and see how great I really was, I fear the feelings I'll feel when I hear you're with some one else.. or some one in particular. Today I told you, this is why I don't trust any body or let anyone in, because they promise to always be there when I need them and then they bounced, and thats what you're doing, you're telling me my problems are too hard to bear and you gotta bounce, you are an outsider getting the left overs of my problems... i'm the insider going through my problems, i wish i had the ability to say this is too much and walk away, but i can't. I'm sorry my life isn't easy to be a part of. I told I felt like you stabbed me in the back, my best friend is walking away from me ... how am i suppose to feel, and it's not like walking away and saying "i'm still here if you need me" today you made it loud and clear that i need to leave you alone. I never thought for one second we'd end like this.. never but nothing ever turns out the way you want it to. So you take a chance on love, and you lose a friend.

I may be a bad ass when it comes to other stuff, but when it comes to love, i'm soo scared and you knew that... but we took a chance, and it didn't last.. "why do we love love, when love seems to hate us".. two people that said they loved eachother soo much can't handle being around eachother. I'm sorry for my mistakes, Im sorry for the pain, I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted or expected. The way you spoke today, makes me wonder if we walk away with sweet memories, or if you just walk away thinking of only bad things... thats a horrible feeling, to think the romantic things i've done, or we've done, or the good times are soo easily forgotten and our 2 years 4 months together is just looked at as a blob of bad times.. damn