Tis' Tis

Last night went to a Babyface concert I had sooo much fun, it trully was a great concert. I would pay to see it again... It was crazy because I've been hangin out lately actually doing stuff & I was thinking like if I was in a relationship right now I would have passed up this great concert because I would only want to go with one person & that person wouldn't wanna go... then it was like how much stuff fun stuff have I been giving up because of my situation... I realized it was a lot... and at the end of it all - I thought... I would do it all over again if I had too, because missing out on a concert so that I could chill with the person I loved was not a mind boggling decision for me, i always know where i wanted to be.... I love babyface, I've loved his music for a long time... as he sang more and more songs I felt "how crazy is this, i'm here with a bunch of people, but still one person comes to mind" drivin home thinkin of the lyrics, music, & fun time I knew how I would have to end the night... by callin that person . . . so you might think "ahhh she's moving on & going out yes"... well honestly yes, i am moving on with my life - not necessarily the next guy - just life, thats what they wanted... yes i am going out more cuz i can't sit at home and mope it aint gna get me anywhere, but the music i heard wasn't the mushy romance love songs.. I heard the ones below - "what if we were wrong about eachother, what if we were truly meant to be" - "when can I see you again, when can my heart beat again" - and - "I just keep thinking about the love that we had".... so that was the wrap up. Still had a great time yesterday, drinks, dinner, gambling, concert, & even stopped by the club real quick haha all gettin home by 11 lol.
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on another note, this weekend is cra-zeee hectic.. today is the March madness concert with lil john & baby bash etc... after is Dee's bday at some club in Upland. Tomorrow doctor's appointment, lunch with Ricky for his bday, visit nana in the hospital, visit Dad, Meet up with the guys for a welcome back bash for Danny who just got back from Afghanistan. Sunday - Church (not sure what mass depends on when i get up lol) visit with mom & kids then dinner with friends... ugh! busy busy busy anywho hit you up next week to let you know how everything went =) have a good weekend

Good Bye

wow 3 post in one day, haven't done that in who knows how long. just when things were starting to be ok, anger and pride have to get in the way. Well you said to delete you, lose contact, and stop contacting them. I'll make sure to get my facts straight as long as you do the same. I'm sorry for hurting you in any way if i did, i know you tell me "whatever" like it doesn't bother you, but i never meant to cause you any harm. Those weren't my intentions. I wish nothing but the best for you. I was upset & lashed out at you when I shouldn't have, I was wrong, i apologize. there are no excuses, i was hurt & upset and instead of handling my emotions I .. wel.. i didn't, i didn't handle my emotions. so i guess this is good bye, you said good bye (not in those words tho) and i don't know if you said it out of anger or hurt cuz it seemed sincere, so take care, good bye, i love you. and again I'm sorry & wish you the best

When My Own Words Don't Work ...

I never ever cheated, I never ever lied, So you can stop asking, asking my why, why I never left you, and why I kept it real, and why I’m still lovin you. You should’ve known better than to think I would leave, You should’ve know better than to doubt me, It don’t matter if you’re up, matter if you’re down, either way I’m gonna be around, You should’ve known that I would stay by your side, YOU SHOULD’VE KNOWN YOUR GIRL WAS GONNA RIDE OR DIE

-“Should’ve Known Better” – Monica

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there’s just too much that time cannot erase, when you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears, when you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have me… all of me

-“My Immortal” – Evanescence

I can’t take it any longer, thought that we were stronger, all we did was linger, you slipped through my fingers. Don’t know what to do now, all that’s left is goodbye now. I hate this part right here, I hate this part right here, I just can’t take these tears, I hate this part right here.

-“I Hate this Part Right Here” – Pussycat Dolls

Thought I couldn’t live without you, It’s gonna hurt when it heals too, It’ll all get better in time, even though I really love you, I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to, It’ll all get better in time. I couldn’t turn on the TV with out something there to remind me, Was it all that easy, to just put aside your feelings? Boy if you didn’t notice you mean everything… it’ll all get better in time.

-“Better in Time” – Leona Lewis

Hell no, you say you don’t want it no more, Hell no, you say you can’t give me what I want, Hell no, how you just gonna leave, When I stayed with you through hard times and your lies? How could you leave me when you see me desperately in need of what we had before? How could you leave home, I cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to think to let it go, how could you leave. I mean maybe I could see if we’ve never been thru shit before, but we’ve been down this road. Now I need you, wanna laugh, wanna stand, wanna get just one more chance to see you, all my friends say just let that end, but I breathe you. I never in a million years thought this would be me, I’m trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks I’m somebody special… Hell no

-“ Hell No” – Monica

It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard, loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars, tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. NO one loves you more than me, and no one ever will. No matter how I think we grow, You always seem to let me know, it aint working, As painful as this thing has been I just can’t be with no one else.. See I know what we got to do, you let go and I’ll let go too cause no one’s hurt me more than you, and no one ever will…

-“Ex Factor” – Lauryn Hill

You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought I could be, you were everything that I wanted, we were meant to be, supposed to be.. but we lost it.. all of our memories so close to me, just faded way, all this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.

“My Happy Ending” – Avril Lavigne

I wanted you right here with me, but I have no choice you’ve got to leave, cuz my heart is breakin with ever word I’m sayin, I gave up on everything I had on something that just wouldn’t last, but I refuse to cry, no tears will fall from these eyes.. I know about her, and I wonder how I bought all the lies? You said that you would treat me right, but you were lying all that time.

-“Leave” – Jojo

Just go on your way, go ahead and do your thing now, and there’s no more to explain to me ya know, I know ya game, I’m not feelin what you do. Stop playing, you’ve been gaming, I gotta leave you alone, cuz I’m good, holding down my spot, and I’m good, reppin the girls on the block, and I’m good, I got this thing on lock, so with out me you’ll be fine right?

-“All I Have” – J Lo ft. LL Cool J

To just act like we never were? To come around and not show hurt? How dare we greet by shaking hands, just months ago you were my man. Verbally we agreed it was over and we were through, I’m trying to compose myself, but I just can’t get over you. We can’t be friends.

-“We Can’t Be Friends” – Deborah Cox ft R.L.

My last tear just fell from my eyes, told myself that I wasn’t going to cry no more, you did what you did, it is what it is, and that’s why I walked out the door, moved on with my life, but not really, spent too much time wondering how could you, you this to us while we were in love, I guess I was thinking too much. I was thinking that the sex had you locked, you never could get enough cause I kept it hot, I listen to you tell me your dreams and your fears, I even wiped you tears, I was there and this is why this is hurting me… why her? Why her? Did I get on your nerves? Did I give you too much that you couldn’t handle my love? Why her? Why her? Tell me was she worth it, to make you put her first and deceive me? Maybe if you would of told me you weren’t happy, you weren’t satisfied, we could of worked it out, we could of tried, but you didn’t say nothing, all along fakin it in frontin why?

-“Why Her” - Monica

Friday the 13th

well Friday the 13th of March 2009 is going down in my book... haha I swear I haven't cried that hard since..... shoot I don't even remember. I was suppose to go out but had to call and cancel lol my appearance was no were near "going outside" status haha.. my heart was not only broken, but stomped on lol... but... I found out you can love someone unconditionally... see people usually are like "if she wasn't so jealous I would love her" or "I don't love her anymore because she lied to me"... see you are giving conditions.. only under a certain condition you will love or not love some one.. and that is not true love... it's when someone can hurt you like you've never been hurt before, lie to you, be the opposite of what you would like for them to be, but still... at the end of the day... you love them.. and I do... Unconditional love does indeed exist...

Focusing on Me

let me start out by saying this weekend was a blast.. the most fun I have had in a while. I went to the club with Mika (Larry's sis) and her friends. I picked her up and we drove to her friends all the while laughing and dancing in the car haha, we got to her friends and they weren't ready so we drove around, went to the bank and then met up with them and drove to the club. It was fun dancing and hanging out and stuff.. just gettin out the house. then Mika came back to my spot, we got in our P.J's grabed sum grub and chilled and tlkd and watched movies. She stayed the night and Sunday I took her home. It was good to get out for her and me, we weren't like crazy at the club or anything we just had fun together haha.

Anywho I also saw my therapist this weekend, we had a lllooooot to talk about. But he made me realize that I am a great girl.. i'm determined, an achiever, caring, with a big heart, and have great things in store for the future.. i just have some flaws (like everyone else in the world) nothing to be ashamed of. Things always need improvement because no one is perfect, so i just gotta focus on me and do me. I have to find the core of my issues and work on them, I can't be in a situation where I'm trying to find the core of my previous issues and someone in my life is causing new issues. So that's what ima do, focus on me and not worry about what other people are doing. What is done is done, what is said has been said. I can't make anyone be in love with me, and I can't make myself stay in love with anyone. If it's meant to be it'll be, until then I'm focusing on me and leaving the rest int he Lord's hands

Wishful Thinking

So I was watchin tv and this McDonald's commercial came on with a little girl and her dad. He is shavin his head and she's like "daddy why do you do that" and he says "because it makes your mommy happy" and then she said something like "why do you bring mommy flowers" and he says "bacause it makes mommy happy" and she says "daddy what makes you happy" and he says "making Mommy and you happy"... now are we fools to believe there is a man out there that would seriously get happiness out of making another happy??? Because honestly, now a days, people make it sound like we are fooling ourselves to believe that is outthere... ok ok I get the whole, you can't make someone else happy unless you are happy.. but if you are trying to make yourself happy, and what makes you happy is to make another happy how does that work?? lol. and why is it ok for a man to do things to soley make his significant happy, but if a female like myself attempt to do that, we are simply revolving our world around our man and shouldn't do that, should focus on ourselves.. that's a double standard and a little sexist I think.. but I saw that commercial and felt it is true there are some out there, I don't care what people think...

OOPs!

Sorry I forgot to write yesterday it was really a hetic day. Had a doctors appointment, busy at work, and it was the official "this is it" day. ugh! but I'm pullin thru, don't know how.. but slowly this is gettin easier, it has sunk in that we are no longer together and he has told me he is set in his way and this is what he wants. I know him, and i know when he is set in his way there is pretty much nothing i can do or say to change it... that hurts but i kno he is like that. so about the song, well it is tru no one has the power to hurt you like the one you love. But I only have myself to blame and if i continue to live this way it won't be great, so i gotta get it together. i gotta heal my heart and heal myself. It was a shot to my heart without breaking my skin... things about me might seem ugly to those around, the issues i have within have torn my life apart and its an ugly thing... but some day this ugly duckling will grow to be a beautiful swan.. just gotta get it together*

Get It Together*

One Shot 2 your heart without breakin your skin,

no one has the power 2 hurt you like your kin,

kept it inside didn't tell no one else, didn't even wanna admit it to yourself.

and now your chest burns and your back aches from 15 years of holdin the pain,

and now you only have yourself to blame, if you continue to live this way.

Get it together*

in order to heal your body, you have to heal your heart

what so ever is so you will reap, Get it together. You can fly fly

Dark future ahead of me, thats what they said, I'd be starving if I ate all the lies they fed Cause Ive been redeemed from your anguish and pain,

A miracle child Im floating on a cloud, Cause the words that come from your mouth,

Your'e the first to hear, Speak words of beauty and you will be there,

No matter what anybody says, What matters most is what you think of yourself

The choice is yours, No matter what it is, To choose life is to choose to forgive,

You dont have to try and hurt him or break his pride, Just shake that weight off,

And you will be ready to fly

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin, No one has the power to hurt you like your friends, Thought it will never change but as time moved on,

That ugly duckling grew up to be a swan, And now your chest burns & your backaches,

Because now years are showing up on your face, But you'll never be happy

And you never be whole, Until you see the beauty in growing hope

** you know life is a choice you make, you can give, or you can take **