New Beginnings

This one is going to be long so be prepaired lol. I can feel it already. Where to begin, ugh last week I had this crazy dream where I was 45 and still waiting for someone to return to me. The dream had more to it, but when I woke up all I was thinking was "is this a sign" telling me if I wait now I might wait forever. It takes some a few weeks to come to a certain conclusion, but for those that are indecisive it can take even longer... 45 years old, single and waiting.. wow. I did a lot of praying, attended church and really sat down and evaluated my life. I feel this different person inside me. I really do. I got up went and got my nails done & my toes done haha.. felt like a beautiful woman, analyzed my imperfections and pin pointed things I wanted to change and things I loved about myself. I know no two loves are the same, I know in relationships you have to give and not expect things in return. Compromises, pushing pride & anger to the side, and communication is what will make it last. Openness and honesty are key factors. And that's what I want. To feel special, worthwhile, beautiful to him, and to trust he won't lie or decieve me. I miss the hugs, I miss the kisses, I miss the Sunday's laying in bed all day chillin, lol I even miss the bratty ways. I don't miss the arguments, I don't miss the tears, and I don't miss the hurtful things that are said. I miss his smile, or how he would rub his fingers threw my hair, I miss how it felt to know he was a phone call away. I miss talking about music with him and laughing at random stuff. I wonder if he feels the same, if he thinks of me, if his heart still belongs to me... I just feel .. in a way.. lost. I wonder where he's been, if he's the same, & whose been with him? It was a strong love, friendship and connection. But it's not there anymore, all that is left is a memory, I'm afraid that's what convinces me more and more that ...... Look, Ijust know things aren't the same, and it kills me. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself - but I pray and ask for help and guidance.

I have decided to make a transformation, this is the year for change. To better myself to love myself. I have decided to completly trust in the Lord and do my very best to do well in his ways. He knows the things I hope to change and how I want to better myself. I already feel I'm becoming a better person, I and others notice the improvements. It's all a gradual process. This time next year, I will be some one different with a bit of the same traits.There are things that make me "me" - and those will always remain, but there are things that are the old me that need go. My process now is understanding the Lord and listening to what should stay and what should go. I'm trully blessed with great friends and family that are supportive and honestly we've gotten closer over time & it feels soo great. Church, work and skewl will occupy my time, I've never been a club hopper person, there is nothing wrong with going out from time to time, but to have a "free for all" is def not me. I have been focussing on me and what makes me happy. I've been searching for the key thing. All I know now is if I want to get past all the pain & heartache, I had to go through it cuz I couldn't go around it and sure couldn't skip it. Just trying to put the pieces back together, and it's obvious it wasn't right before or else it wouldn't have came crumbling down. So as I put it back together, sure I'll make mistakes but hopefully this time with the Lord's help I'll get it a little more closer to "right" then to "wrong"...

IRIS

I know I said I would cath U up on the wknd, but I'm afraid I can't go too much into it without hurting someone one, or causing trouble. Let's just say it was a busy, surprising, but fun wknd. saw a great, a great movie yesterday that really made me think & hit home, so I leave you with this...

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IRIS:"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

Tis' Tis

Last night went to a Babyface concert I had sooo much fun, it trully was a great concert. I would pay to see it again... It was crazy because I've been hangin out lately actually doing stuff & I was thinking like if I was in a relationship right now I would have passed up this great concert because I would only want to go with one person & that person wouldn't wanna go... then it was like how much stuff fun stuff have I been giving up because of my situation... I realized it was a lot... and at the end of it all - I thought... I would do it all over again if I had too, because missing out on a concert so that I could chill with the person I loved was not a mind boggling decision for me, i always know where i wanted to be.... I love babyface, I've loved his music for a long time... as he sang more and more songs I felt "how crazy is this, i'm here with a bunch of people, but still one person comes to mind" drivin home thinkin of the lyrics, music, & fun time I knew how I would have to end the night... by callin that person . . . so you might think "ahhh she's moving on & going out yes"... well honestly yes, i am moving on with my life - not necessarily the next guy - just life, thats what they wanted... yes i am going out more cuz i can't sit at home and mope it aint gna get me anywhere, but the music i heard wasn't the mushy romance love songs.. I heard the ones below - "what if we were wrong about eachother, what if we were truly meant to be" - "when can I see you again, when can my heart beat again" - and - "I just keep thinking about the love that we had".... so that was the wrap up. Still had a great time yesterday, drinks, dinner, gambling, concert, & even stopped by the club real quick haha all gettin home by 11 lol.
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on another note, this weekend is cra-zeee hectic.. today is the March madness concert with lil john & baby bash etc... after is Dee's bday at some club in Upland. Tomorrow doctor's appointment, lunch with Ricky for his bday, visit nana in the hospital, visit Dad, Meet up with the guys for a welcome back bash for Danny who just got back from Afghanistan. Sunday - Church (not sure what mass depends on when i get up lol) visit with mom & kids then dinner with friends... ugh! busy busy busy anywho hit you up next week to let you know how everything went =) have a good weekend

Good Bye

wow 3 post in one day, haven't done that in who knows how long. just when things were starting to be ok, anger and pride have to get in the way. Well you said to delete you, lose contact, and stop contacting them. I'll make sure to get my facts straight as long as you do the same. I'm sorry for hurting you in any way if i did, i know you tell me "whatever" like it doesn't bother you, but i never meant to cause you any harm. Those weren't my intentions. I wish nothing but the best for you. I was upset & lashed out at you when I shouldn't have, I was wrong, i apologize. there are no excuses, i was hurt & upset and instead of handling my emotions I .. wel.. i didn't, i didn't handle my emotions. so i guess this is good bye, you said good bye (not in those words tho) and i don't know if you said it out of anger or hurt cuz it seemed sincere, so take care, good bye, i love you. and again I'm sorry & wish you the best

When My Own Words Don't Work ...

I never ever cheated, I never ever lied, So you can stop asking, asking my why, why I never left you, and why I kept it real, and why I’m still lovin you. You should’ve known better than to think I would leave, You should’ve know better than to doubt me, It don’t matter if you’re up, matter if you’re down, either way I’m gonna be around, You should’ve known that I would stay by your side, YOU SHOULD’VE KNOWN YOUR GIRL WAS GONNA RIDE OR DIE

-“Should’ve Known Better” – Monica

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there’s just too much that time cannot erase, when you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears, when you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have me… all of me

-“My Immortal” – Evanescence

I can’t take it any longer, thought that we were stronger, all we did was linger, you slipped through my fingers. Don’t know what to do now, all that’s left is goodbye now. I hate this part right here, I hate this part right here, I just can’t take these tears, I hate this part right here.

-“I Hate this Part Right Here” – Pussycat Dolls

Thought I couldn’t live without you, It’s gonna hurt when it heals too, It’ll all get better in time, even though I really love you, I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to, It’ll all get better in time. I couldn’t turn on the TV with out something there to remind me, Was it all that easy, to just put aside your feelings? Boy if you didn’t notice you mean everything… it’ll all get better in time.

-“Better in Time” – Leona Lewis

Hell no, you say you don’t want it no more, Hell no, you say you can’t give me what I want, Hell no, how you just gonna leave, When I stayed with you through hard times and your lies? How could you leave me when you see me desperately in need of what we had before? How could you leave home, I cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to think to let it go, how could you leave. I mean maybe I could see if we’ve never been thru shit before, but we’ve been down this road. Now I need you, wanna laugh, wanna stand, wanna get just one more chance to see you, all my friends say just let that end, but I breathe you. I never in a million years thought this would be me, I’m trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks I’m somebody special… Hell no

-“ Hell No” – Monica

It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard, loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars, tell me, who I have to be to get some reciprocity. NO one loves you more than me, and no one ever will. No matter how I think we grow, You always seem to let me know, it aint working, As painful as this thing has been I just can’t be with no one else.. See I know what we got to do, you let go and I’ll let go too cause no one’s hurt me more than you, and no one ever will…

-“Ex Factor” – Lauryn Hill

You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought I could be, you were everything that I wanted, we were meant to be, supposed to be.. but we lost it.. all of our memories so close to me, just faded way, all this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.

“My Happy Ending” – Avril Lavigne

I wanted you right here with me, but I have no choice you’ve got to leave, cuz my heart is breakin with ever word I’m sayin, I gave up on everything I had on something that just wouldn’t last, but I refuse to cry, no tears will fall from these eyes.. I know about her, and I wonder how I bought all the lies? You said that you would treat me right, but you were lying all that time.

-“Leave” – Jojo

Just go on your way, go ahead and do your thing now, and there’s no more to explain to me ya know, I know ya game, I’m not feelin what you do. Stop playing, you’ve been gaming, I gotta leave you alone, cuz I’m good, holding down my spot, and I’m good, reppin the girls on the block, and I’m good, I got this thing on lock, so with out me you’ll be fine right?

-“All I Have” – J Lo ft. LL Cool J

To just act like we never were? To come around and not show hurt? How dare we greet by shaking hands, just months ago you were my man. Verbally we agreed it was over and we were through, I’m trying to compose myself, but I just can’t get over you. We can’t be friends.

-“We Can’t Be Friends” – Deborah Cox ft R.L.

My last tear just fell from my eyes, told myself that I wasn’t going to cry no more, you did what you did, it is what it is, and that’s why I walked out the door, moved on with my life, but not really, spent too much time wondering how could you, you this to us while we were in love, I guess I was thinking too much. I was thinking that the sex had you locked, you never could get enough cause I kept it hot, I listen to you tell me your dreams and your fears, I even wiped you tears, I was there and this is why this is hurting me… why her? Why her? Did I get on your nerves? Did I give you too much that you couldn’t handle my love? Why her? Why her? Tell me was she worth it, to make you put her first and deceive me? Maybe if you would of told me you weren’t happy, you weren’t satisfied, we could of worked it out, we could of tried, but you didn’t say nothing, all along fakin it in frontin why?

-“Why Her” - Monica

Friday the 13th

well Friday the 13th of March 2009 is going down in my book... haha I swear I haven't cried that hard since..... shoot I don't even remember. I was suppose to go out but had to call and cancel lol my appearance was no were near "going outside" status haha.. my heart was not only broken, but stomped on lol... but... I found out you can love someone unconditionally... see people usually are like "if she wasn't so jealous I would love her" or "I don't love her anymore because she lied to me"... see you are giving conditions.. only under a certain condition you will love or not love some one.. and that is not true love... it's when someone can hurt you like you've never been hurt before, lie to you, be the opposite of what you would like for them to be, but still... at the end of the day... you love them.. and I do... Unconditional love does indeed exist...

Focusing on Me

let me start out by saying this weekend was a blast.. the most fun I have had in a while. I went to the club with Mika (Larry's sis) and her friends. I picked her up and we drove to her friends all the while laughing and dancing in the car haha, we got to her friends and they weren't ready so we drove around, went to the bank and then met up with them and drove to the club. It was fun dancing and hanging out and stuff.. just gettin out the house. then Mika came back to my spot, we got in our P.J's grabed sum grub and chilled and tlkd and watched movies. She stayed the night and Sunday I took her home. It was good to get out for her and me, we weren't like crazy at the club or anything we just had fun together haha.

Anywho I also saw my therapist this weekend, we had a lllooooot to talk about. But he made me realize that I am a great girl.. i'm determined, an achiever, caring, with a big heart, and have great things in store for the future.. i just have some flaws (like everyone else in the world) nothing to be ashamed of. Things always need improvement because no one is perfect, so i just gotta focus on me and do me. I have to find the core of my issues and work on them, I can't be in a situation where I'm trying to find the core of my previous issues and someone in my life is causing new issues. So that's what ima do, focus on me and not worry about what other people are doing. What is done is done, what is said has been said. I can't make anyone be in love with me, and I can't make myself stay in love with anyone. If it's meant to be it'll be, until then I'm focusing on me and leaving the rest int he Lord's hands