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Rain against my window,

sorrow in my heart,

feeling that i love you,

but will we ever part.

Drops fall from the sky,

some hard some soft,

like blows to the ground,

will my hurt ever stop?

Grey clouds hover in,

it blocks out the light

I wanna see the rainbow,

but it's no where in sight.

Heavy heart full of grey clouds,

just let the rain fall

or have the sun come out.

unleash the inner pain,

let it pour out like rain,

and when it does

let it be enuff

to release the inner strain

I Got My Own

I got my own, really feeling that remix with Jamie Foxx "She Got Her Own" because that's the type of woman I am. Many men would be grateful to have one like me. I do for me, and get mine on my own. Got my first ride when I was 16. Been working since I was 11. Got my second car at 21 got my own place at 23 and put myself through School. When I graduated I got accepted to so many university's. And that was me applying and pushing myself. I got my AA and got a good job which I have moved up in 5 times and am the Director of my own department. I love having my man, but he knows that i don't "need" him. I handle my bills and ish on my own. Mommy & daddy don't help me. Sister didn't hand down nothing to me.. i refuse to borrow money from any of them. I get by and so many times I've taken my man out to dinner, even bought him roses and had em delivered to his house. haha that was classic. I can stand on my own two feet, of coarse it is nice to have someone by my side, but i know i'll have the finer things in life regardless. I got my own. I love the people that have supported me along the way and thank them. I've just always been independent and aggressive in getting what i want and getting it done. I'm glad and proud to be one of those women.

Anotha Day

Yesterday I totally forgot to write, it was kinda buys at work, but still... Well tomorrow is the 6th, which is 2 years and 4 months. It's kinda weird, lately i've been getting this weird vibe from Larry. You ever feel like someone is just tired of you, it hurts, but at the same time, you try to keep your distance just to make sure they don't get that "tired" of you. But for me, it's like love out of a fairytale i swear. I think about him all the time, i get excited when ever he calls me, it's the feelings you get when you first start daiting someone, but here I am feeling it 2 years and 4 months later... thats what ever girl wants .. to always feel that.. BUT.. they want their man to feel the same way. Don't get me wrong i know he loves me, (he wouldn't have stuck around this long if he didn't) its just i dunno, maybe i'm trippin. Sometimes i feel like i'm the "stand by" girl, until he finds "the one".. and I feel like he is "the one". People always say in realtionships there is always one person that loves the other more, I can think of a hand ful of relationships right now, and pick out who loves the other more... With mine, i feel like i love him more.. its kewl to love someone sooo much, i'm just really needy and i need someone who's gonna let me know they love me sooo much, and can't be without me on a regular basis, not just in an argument.. i'm like getting emotional right now writing this, i just feel sooo torn right now. i wanna call him and be like "hi baby i love you".. but i just feel like he's gonna be like "hey" and that kills me... it's like a slapp in the face. I know he has a lot going on right now with him self so i'm trying to be understanding and give him his space.. honestly i'm just feelin really heart broken =(



*tell the person you love them every possible moment that you can, because you never know if that's going to be the last possible moment to tell them that.*

Be Optimistic

So much is going on right now... ugh, why can't life be a calm steady lake... instead it has to be like ragging rapids, crashing ocean waves? But you have to be optimistic and look on the bright side... my dad's two weeks are up on Friday, what do I do, of coarse by now he's come up with news that he won't have a place to go to... but I just don't feel right having him there, it makes things akward for Larry and I, and my bills are higher than usual. I know my dad tries not to eat my food up, and not waiste electricity I appreciate that, he cleans house and does his part. The fact is, I just don't have the money to take care of another individual. My income is for ONE not two. I just want to do right. but what is right? ugh! I dunno. On the brighter side, it's nice to come home to dinner cooked and ready for me, the house cleaned, and the puppies have someone to play with all day....
I start kickboxing class today, I'm a little scared because my ass has gained soo much weight, I know this is gonna kill me. But i'm excited to see what a month of kickboxing will do for me (lets keep our fingers crossed haha)
Have been getting close with Larry's sister. I love it, it's like having that sister I never had... sometimes, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells, like i have to watch my steps, i don't want to be too pushy or like "trying to hard" i'm a very aggressive person, so "getting to know someone" is hard for me... i like wanna know everything right away.. baby steps though I kno I kno. I'm just glad that we are on kewl enuff terms that we can email or myspace eachother and everyone knows there is no alterior motive, I'm not tryin to take her away from any friends or anything, just trying to gain a new friend =) I'm not thinkin she's being my friend to go talk mess behind my back with other friends, I think she's sincerly interested in being friends (this freakin sounds like a relationship) haha..
The point i'm tryin to make here, is although this rushing crashing ocean of a life is ruff, there is always good to put a smile on my face and make me be optimistic. Thats just the way the cookie crumbless =) All that matters to me is I got Larry by my side to go through the motions, and I'm strong enuff to have lasted this far hehe

Phenomenal Woman - That's Me*

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size.

But when I start to tell them, they think I'm telling lies.

I say, it's the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips.

I'm a woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

I walk into a room, just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on thier knees.

Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees.

I say, it's the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can't touch my inner mystery.

When i try to show them they say they still can't see.

I say it's in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style.

I'm a woman Phenomenally, Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

Now you understand just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing it out to make you proud.

I say it's in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, the need of my care,

Cause i'm a woman Phenomenally,

Phenomenal woman,

That's me*

-Maya Angelou

ahh

I'm still loving the last blog, don't want to add nothin new hehe

Alone all Alone

alone all alone

lying, thinking last night. How to find my soul a home. Where water is not thirsty

And bread loaf is not stone. I came up with one thing. And I don't believe I'm wrong

That nobody,

But nobody,

Can make it out here alone

Alone, all alone, nobody but nobody, Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires with money they can't use. Their wives run around like banshees

Their children sing the blues, they've got expensive doctors to cure thier hearts of stone.

But nobody, no, nobody can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone, Nobody but nobody can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely I'll tell you what i know.

Storm clouds are gathering, the wind is gonna blow, the race of man is suffering,

And I can hear the moan,

Cause nobody, but nobody, can make it out here alone.

Alone All Alone

"alone" by maya angelou

Room - Mate?

Due to the Alcaraz temper, my dad called me last week and asked if he could come stay with me. I have to admit at first i wasn't to hype about the idea. Right now, i need positive energy and my father is almost like "poison" in my life. He has played such a role in making my childhood as bad as it was. To have him move in, is a big step, trusting that he'll do good and won't cause stress... But I can't have my dad on the streets. I agreed to let him be there, he says it's only for two weeks.. and being that its now been 5 days, i know i wouldn't be able to stand any longer than 2weeks. It takes away from mine and Larry's privacy and I just don't have the extra money for food, electricity and water... all the extra bills... I know it sounds horrible, but you just don't know everything that man has put me through. Yes family is family and the lord says to forgive, but i will be scared for life with things he's done. I'm really doing him a big favor by letting him stay. I love him of coarse, I just know this isn't good for me, and right now I really got to focus on whats best for me.