Your Environment Does Not Define You

Your environment does not define you, unless you allow it to. Where you came from, what you been thru or what you're going thru is your environment. Use your current position in life, no matter how negative it may seem, as inspiration to push you forward or you can use it as an excuse to stay where you are and do nothing. Everyone is going to make mistakes, no one is perfect, what's more important than the mistake you make is what you learn from it and how you can use it to never make that mistake again. Some people come from a background where their families were in a gang or did drugs and they let that define them, they set it up in their brain that they have to go join that gang, or they have to try that drug. You can't think like this, you must rise above it and use that environment to motivate you to better yourself. Seing those people go down that road, you know what the possible out comes are - Jail, hurting the people you love, or death. Use this information to motivate yourself and tell yourself you won't go down that same road. I've made some horrible mistakes, and everytime I feel I'm rising above the environment I came from, I end up doing something that makes me "just like them". But I learn from my mistakes and I move forward, I don't stay there in that place, I will use this experience to make sure I never do it again. I have lost someone that I love so very much because of my mistakes, I have scared those that I love and I pushed them away. I have learned thru my mistake how important these people are, and how I won't ever hurt them the same way ever again. Because I will not allow myself to make that same mistake. My environment right now is kinda weak-kinda dark, but I will not let that define me, I will rise above with the help of the Lord and proceed forward. My focus right now is to use my life experiences this far and better myself, my issues, my thoughts, and my future environment.

Psalms 5:9 Guide me, O Lord, in Your righteousness. On account of my foes, make my way straight before me.

Another day

Well I honestly have no choice, I mean I can't walk around sad forever right? I started these new meds and they kinda make me feel peppy haha, haven't felt like that since before the new year. Anywho, I couldn't sleep at all last night just kept thinking... ugh, I wonder what he's doing, if when he gets to work he thinks aobut texting me to tell me he made it, or when he's driving home if he thinks about calling me to talk... or if he even thinks about me at all throughout the day... Maybe he doesn't even care, "out of sight out of mind" maybe he thinks "I'm glad I don't have to call her, a weight off my shoulders". I dunno. I told his mom that I have forgiven myself for what happened, and only God can judge me, it's not upto anyone else to make me feel bad or punish me for my sins only the Lord. Yet, I still feel like I'm getting punished. I saw this quote it said, I'm not perfect, sometimes I'm bratty, I'm a bit insecure and can be hard to deal with sometimes, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. What do you think about that? some say I need someone strong enough to be with me. But what the heck does that mean, it's not like i physically abuse someone and i need a tuff guy to handle it lol. i need someone that knows how to reach me in my darkest moments and he did... but he doesn't want to anymore. He doesn't wanna worry about me he wants to only worry about himself. and in a few months i hear he's with someone else, lol, thats like "well you worrying about someone else now" but i guess if thats how it is than thats how it is. thats how the cookie crumbles. I have straightening out i need to do. getting over him is one. Its gna be hard, moving on always is. But if there's no other option, than I have no choice right?.... Right...

It hurts

It's crazy to me how you love someone so long, pull through make it work, and then you just walk away. I understand people fall out of love, cheat on eachother, or hurt eachother in other ways. This process of relationships just sucks, everyone says you'll be fine and in time you'll get over it. But i love him. with all my heart. I won't call him and beg and plead to get back together, I did this so he can have a better life, but I'm entitled to being hurt, to having my heart broken, it's natural. If i walked away and didn't feel hurt, angry, or any kind of emotion then thats when there's something wrong. ugh, but why does it have to hurt soo bad

the break-up

well it's true - don't even know where to begin. For a moment the break up was mutual, and it was left with a feeling of hope, like things will be okay. I cried myself to sleep last night, praying to God that we made the right decision. Praying that he'd give us the strength to get through. This moring woke up with a little bit of hope of friendship. But after talking on the phone this morning it is quite clear that what I once thought it to be is not the case. You don't want me, you don't want to be with me, it would have happened eventually, you should have just ended it last week, you can't handle my load, these are all the phrases that run through my mind... you know I was thinking, and I remembered another time we broke up because you said my life was too complicated and you couldn't handle it. Then when we talked i told you that i was ride or die for you, and all your troubles i never told you I couldn't handle it and jus bounce on you when times got hard, and you agreed and said you were wrong and we got back together. I was the one that initiated this break-up by saying maybe I have put you thru a lot and you don't deserve that, you should focus on your work, and you agreed. but now it just seems like you were waiting for me to mention something of the sort and then it was your chance to break fee. We've all gone thru soo much these past few months, and for you to treat me the way you did this morning, so harsh, like i didn't just have my heart broken killled me over twice. I couldn't walk into work, my eyes were sooo puffy. last night i missed you, wanted you in my arms, wanted things to be okay. Today i feel like the standard ex girlfriend that you're just throwing to the side, and after alll that we been thru I never NEVER thought it'd be like that between us. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend.. you get to go call your best friend right back, and she'll gladly be there to tell how you deserve better and I wasn't good for you. You told me that I was afraid because I knew you would find someone better... no thats not what i fear because I know I'm good girlfriend, if anything you might go out and date other girls and see how great I really was, I fear the feelings I'll feel when I hear you're with some one else.. or some one in particular. Today I told you, this is why I don't trust any body or let anyone in, because they promise to always be there when I need them and then they bounced, and thats what you're doing, you're telling me my problems are too hard to bear and you gotta bounce, you are an outsider getting the left overs of my problems... i'm the insider going through my problems, i wish i had the ability to say this is too much and walk away, but i can't. I'm sorry my life isn't easy to be a part of. I told I felt like you stabbed me in the back, my best friend is walking away from me ... how am i suppose to feel, and it's not like walking away and saying "i'm still here if you need me" today you made it loud and clear that i need to leave you alone. I never thought for one second we'd end like this.. never but nothing ever turns out the way you want it to. So you take a chance on love, and you lose a friend.

I may be a bad ass when it comes to other stuff, but when it comes to love, i'm soo scared and you knew that... but we took a chance, and it didn't last.. "why do we love love, when love seems to hate us".. two people that said they loved eachother soo much can't handle being around eachother. I'm sorry for my mistakes, Im sorry for the pain, I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted or expected. The way you spoke today, makes me wonder if we walk away with sweet memories, or if you just walk away thinking of only bad things... thats a horrible feeling, to think the romantic things i've done, or we've done, or the good times are soo easily forgotten and our 2 years 4 months together is just looked at as a blob of bad times.. damn

The Simplest Phrase

Isn't it funny how the simplest phrase can change everything?

Maybe someone said something you weren't expecting.

Or perhaps they said something you'd hope they'd say.

Or even if they said something you couldn't believe they'd ever say.

It just some how can brighten everything,

or darken everything.

"sticks and stones may brake my bones, but words will never hurt me"

Is bull, lol cuz words hurt and words can make you feel good

been down in the dumps a lot lately.

A lot has been on my mind,

about work, love, life... carrying on,

Sometimes the outcome you come to makes you feel worse

than the issue at hand.

Ugh, life! all i know is in a brief moment things changed.

I wouldn't say all my problems went away,

but a bit of the pressure was lifted off my shoulders

by the simplest phrase

huh...

"is there anything I can do 2 make things better?"

... you just did =)

It's Nothing

It's nothing,
is all I say.
It's nothing,
are you sure?
It's nothing,
Usually when it's nothing,It sure as hell is something.
And everytime you just let it go,
I don't know what it is..
So I say it's nothing.
Something just don't feel right.
But I can't put my finger on it.. so
It's nothing.. all I know is...
When you're gone, I cry.
When you're there, I still do.
I wish all it was,....... was...... nothing.

Is this...

Is this how it should be?
Is this as good as it gets?
I was under the impression that it was so lovely.
Not fighting till there's nothing left.
Is this normal?
Is this right?
I mean it isn't horrible,
But for everything I have to fight.
Is this really what is best?
Is this the worst part?
Please tell me it gets better than this.
Please DON'T tell me this is just the start.

Felicia Alcaraz's Info

well honestly, this thing was first created to give me a little extra cash in my pocket with the "ad-sense" but that fell apart lol.. and this became more of a daily journal for me. It has helped me to realese some of my inner thoughts and to inform "whoever" reads this about whats going on in Felicia Alcaraz's world. This is the weekend after Valentines... how was mine... well we kinda had a little splat but we over came it.. thats what love is about getting those bumps in the road and riding them out. He did get me a very special gift that i have wanted for a few months now.. he got me "The book of Psalms" I've already started reading it. I've never been into reading religious books, but i caught a glimpse of this book over my new years mishap and it really touched me. So now i'm reading it. Something to do with my spare time and to continue educating myself. Well i had a 3 day weekend and had yesterday off. it was nice. i went to my moms for dinner (larry & i) and just visited for a while. So far thats about all that happened. gotta get back to work.