What to do . . .

My heart is cold
And I feel blue
Why do I feel the way I do?

I feel the earth below me
Like a pillow under my head
No knives, no guns, but some pills instead.

The bottle lays empty
Cap unscrewed
What will I do? What will I do?

Will my lover find me?
What will he say?
What will he think of the choice I made?

Will he pound the ground
and scream why oh why?
Or will he JUST say good bye?

My parents will arrive,
my sister too,
they ask out loud "what did she do?"

I look away,
but the pains too deep,
my life could be over because of me.

I look at the bottle
for one last glance
And I contemplate the consequence.

©Felicia Alcaraz 7/10/10

Recent Mishap

DUE TO THE RECENT MISHAP WITH VOTING.. BEEN KINDA "EHH" TODAY - MY SISTER TELLS ME, NOT 2WORRY I'VE BEEN FIGHTING 4 BETTER THINGS ALL MY LIFE - & SHE'S SEEN A LOT OF THE CHALLENGES I HAD 2OVERCOME W/MY EDUCATION - SO SHE KNOWS GOD WOULDN'T HAVE ME COME THIS FAR TO NOT MAKE IT ALL THE WAY... =) & MY BABY TELLS ME NO MATTER WHAT IMA WINNER & THE BESTEST IN HIS EYES... ♥ THANK YOU LORD 4 MY SUPPORT SYSTEM - FAMILY/LOVER/ OR FRIEND - IM THANKFUL 4U ALL & THIS TOO SHALL PASS .. SO BE READY FOR THE NEXT VOTING SESSION FOR SCHOLARSHIPS.. hehe & NEXT TIME MORE OF YOU WILL VOTE =) I AINT STOPPIN HERE - I DON'T GIVE UP THAT EASY... IM ON A MISSION BABY.. A MISSION FOR AN EDUCATION =)

Proud to Be...

Luke 6:38 "Give & it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you."

♥ Many people that know me.. really know me, know that I'm very loyal and I take pride in being a good friend. I will do everything in my power to help you out in your time of need. Even if you didn't help me in my time of need, cuz in the end... I'm the type of person that would still be there for you if you needed me, I won't hold a grudge, I'm just not like that.

I don't do things to get them in return, I just think of how I would want to be treated if I was in that situation, I don't do it because I wanna make sure you remember what I did for you so you can pay me back. I take pride in being like that, often times yes I get taken advantage of, but ultimately at the end of the day, I can go to sleep knowing that I was a good friend, and did everything in my power to stay that way.

whether it took a simple 5 min out of my day, or it took me a whole day, I can rest knowing I did all that I could do... I've had a lot of people, (friends & family) promise to be there for me and then turn thier back on me, or had disagreements, or even just having a "falling out" with them, but if at any moment I saw them in pain, hurt, or in need I would be there to comfort them, help them, or try to fill their need at the drop of a dime.I'm proud of the friend I can be, because I know I'm that "true" kind.

Some might say thats dumb, or I'm doing it to be fake or to hold something over someones head.. but I can go to sleep at night with comfort in my bed,because I know I did it / do it simply because my heart doesn't know otherwise, doesn't know what its like... to leave someone asking for help who is still in need and I don't wanna kno what its like.... cuz that just aint me...

♥ Stay Blessed

Evelyn Erives on Regis & Kelly?? What?? YOU Can Help Make It Happen

Hello all please read this sweet, thoughtful, and urgent email I received the other day. It is from a good friend of mine Chris Donovan about his wife (another good friend of mine) Evelyn Erives. Check it out! and submit Evelyn she really deserves this! =) ::


I can’t THANK YOU all enough for all the love and support that you showed during the 10 week rollercoaster, during the Woman of the Year campaign. As you all know by now, Evelyn did win. She is going to be honored on Aug 10th before the Angels game. If you want to go see us there that night, just go to the Angels website and buy tickets. It is a Tuesday night, so tickets shouldn’t be too much! Also, she is going to be on the cover of “OC Giving” the magazine (along with the Man of the Year, Jack Beckman) in August! So keep your eyes out for that!
The main reason for this email is, I want to try and surprise my wife with a once and a life time opportunity. It was brought to my attention that Regis and Kelly are looking for “Women of the Radio” to come on and co-host for a day in the near future. It is all web based, so if you are reading this email, all I ask from you is 3 minutes of your time.
Here is the link to go and submit Evelyn for the opportunity…
http://studio.go.com/cgi-bin/gmail/generic_mail.cgi?template=tvplex%2Flive%2Fcohostsearch-form.tpl
Once you get to this page, I have made it very easy for you to cut and past the info and links that they need for the submission. See below the blue print of their submission page.
==========================================================================

YOUR CONTACT INFO:
You fill this out


NOMINEE INFO:
Evelyn Erives

KGGI – FM (99.1)
951-684-1991
Riverside
CA


TELL US WHY YOU THINK THAT THIS PERSON SHOULD GUEST CO-HOST ON LIVE!?
(You can type whatever you want here!)


OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO RADIO STATION WEBSITE:
http://www.991kggifm.com/main.html


OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO BRODCASTERS BIO:
http://www.991kggifm.com/pages/evelynerives.html
OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO VIDEO OF BROADCASTER:
(Here are a couple to choose from)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvyBjvbRF0M

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=248288309799&v=app_2392950137

OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO PODCAST OF AUDIO RECORDING:
(Here are a couple to choose from)

http://www.instantriverside.com/2010/04/kggi-fm-radio-riverside-leukemia-lymphoma-society/
http://www.instantriverside.com/2010/05/lindsay-lohan-kggi-riverside-evelyn-erives/
http://www.instantriverside.com/2010/03/kggi-fm-oscars-entertainment-news-riverside/


OPTIONAL: YOU MAY SUBMIT A PHOTO OR AUDIO FILE OF THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING:
(I wouldn’t worry about this. There are pics of her all over the links that I have attached!)
===============================================================
I can’t thank you all enough to help with this! If you need anything, just drop me an email here. Also, remember you can vote once a day, so please if you have the time, do it a number of times until July 16th. Please feel free to pass this along to family and friends!
Can you imagine, Evelyn on Regis & Kelly!!!! That would be SOOOO awesome!
Sincerely,

Chris Donovan

(A very proud husband)

I am truly blessed to have the parents that I have...

I am truly blessed to have the parents I have. Often times I find myself being taken for granted because I’m such a giving person. I don’t say this to be cocky or anything, I love to make people happy and do things for them that others might not do. I’m usually described as being too self-less, sure this sounds like a great trait to carry, unfortunately too many times you get taken advantage of, or as many times as you’ve been there for others, those others don’t have time to be there for you. You would think this would make me bitter and not help others or those people in particular any more… but that just isn’t me, I’m the one that will still call to check in with them, or to remind people that it’s their birthday so they aren’t forgotten even if they forgot my birthday. That’s just me. I know I get it from my mom in particular, she is always loaning money or doing favors for others and family, but when it comes to her or hers needing money or favors, everyone seems to disappear and forget all the times she’s helped them. I love her for her kind and giving heart. It doesn’t matter if she has $5 to her name, if you ask her to donate to a good cause, she will forget about her survival and donate her last $5 to help out.
This weekend was a true demonstration to me about my parents being so giving and self-less. First and foremost, most of you know that my father and I don’t have the greatest relationship; he’s always been in and out of my life by being in and out of prison since I was 4yrs old. When I was little it was always like “we picked up where we left off,” me being daddy’s little girl, now that I’m older and more mature, I tend to have a lot of resentment for the things he put us through… however, due to his life choices it’s really hard for him to find a stable job, (just the way society is now ya know, they want you to continue doing good and not fall off track, but then everyone sees that check mark on the application for “conviction” and they don’t give you the job) – so he has to do side jobs here and there in Santa Ana (not the best place for an ex con) and save money. You think you got it hard, imagine being almost 50yrs old, not having a car, a house, and saving for a month or two to just to have $50 to your name… smh. Well my dad heard about my struggle with school from around the way (I wouldn’t ask him for money, after all I pay his cell phone bill and take him to get the necessities that he needs.) But when I saw him yesterday he called me over, and said “I know it isn’t much but I do want to help with your school, here is $100” and handed it off to me, of course me being me I told him I couldn’t take his money, he said he worked hard for it and its clean money, not dirty money and its all he has, but he wants me to have it… I felt so blessed, here is a man that knows he hasn’t been the greatest father and doesn’t have much to his name, but will drop his last dime on a daughter that doesn’t even keep in touch that often, and he does it because he knows I’m stressed and in need and he wants to help… <3 he doesn’t expect anything in return, just the thought to know he helped his daughter out was enough for him… such a giving man as well, always fixing peoples cars and plumbing and such, but let him need a ride somewhere or let his daughter need money for school, and all the sudden nobody knows him or his kids… smh


My mom later pulled me to the side and told me that she had some items for me to sell on EBay to earn some money, I told her I would split with her whatever I make, and she said to keep it all, it’s for school and she’s trying to help with whatever she can.. I told her I loved her and appreciate all she’s done for me. She then asked me if I remembered the money that she’s been saving for a long time now – so that when she retires she’d have a savings... I told her of course, that was always the money she would never touch, even when she was in the highest of needs… (Kinda like how I was with my skewl money... well until now that is) – She handed me a check and said she wanted me to have that money to pay for my summer skewl … I looked at this woman – like she is crazy! Heck no! – she tried to force me to take it, but the thought was enough for me… she apologized for not being smart enough to get a corporate job and make good money (she has a learning disability and can’t read much and is a slow learner). I told her never to apologize for that. She is a manager at KMART and has been one for over 10yrs, over sees the Toy Dept and every year received corporate awards for having the best kept department in all of California. That’s so much for me to be proud of, plus she is a strong woman that raised two crazy ass daughters on her own & always working 3 jobs with no sleep but still looking beautiful as ever. She told me she was trying to figure out something to help out, I thanked her and left. I couldn’t believe she was just going to give me that money... WOW


Father’s day is tomorrow, and I don’t have much money to get anyone gifts when normally by now I’ve budgeted money to get BOMB gifts… I apologized to my dad and step dad who both said not to worry about it. My mom was taking my Step-Dad Gill to Laughlin for father’s day, when he was leaving he told me “my mission is to go win money for you, whatever I win – its going straight to your school tuition”.. Ha-ha – I told him I would keep my fingers crossed and that I loved them both and to be safe... and they drove away with my step dad yelling out the window “we are gonna win you some money” – haha =) I called them at 6:30pm ish and they said they were a few minutes away from the hotel and were going to check in then have dinner. I wished them luck and hang up… phone rang at 7:20ish and I pick up, Gill is stuttering over the phone and I quickly ask what’s wrong, the sound in his voice made me worry, and he said... “I won you some money”... I said “you haven’t even been there that long”... he said – “mija, with what I won you, you’ll only need a couple hundred more to pay off summer school” I was seriously like “WHAAT???” and when he told me how much he won and that he was going to give it all to me because I’m such a great giving person, with a big heart and deserve sooo much more than I’ve ever received, and because I’m his daughter… I couldn’t help but cry, he cried, my mom was crying... it was a hot ass mess lol. What kind of person wins soo much money and doesn’t keep a dime to their name but gives it all to their child? Seriously?? I know people “say” they would do it, but how many parents do that… Man, I am truly blessed, and no it doesn’t take money to make me thankful, that isn’t what I’m so appreciative for (don’t get me wrong I’m truly thankful for the money) – but this is about the principle of the situation, the action that was taken, the self-less ness that my parents have shown me (all 3 of them)… and I’m so proud and glad that they are my parents, even after all the fussing and fighting, I truly couldn’t have asked for better role models. They are all strong, wise, kind, outgoing, people with big hearts and soo much love for their children. Thank you Lord for all your help and strength throughout this hard time and stress... I was getting worried with only receiving two donations after over 300 people were notified of my donation page… and people deleting my invites to help me win a scholarship... I’ve been selling stuff on EBay, reselling all my books online, whatever valuable stuff I have I’m selling, looking for a part time job in addition to my already full time job and full time school schedule… it was all really beginning to be a lot to handle especially because I still wasn’t coming up with much for the next school year let alone summer school.… and he came through yet again, as he soooo often does. I kept praying and trying to stay positive believing this was all happening for a reason. I believe I was put on this Earth to do something great and I couldn’t give up without achieving my goals. I knew I wasn’t gonna go out without a fight because I knew and know what I want, and that is to further my education, get the degrees and be a great MFT (Marriage Family Therapist) so that one day I can take care of my family that so willingly put their needs to the side to help me in my time of need. =) I won’t let anything stop me from where I’m destined to go, I will prevail on. To my parents & sister I love you all very much, and again I thank you all, and I thank the Lord for his blessing to me, that I call my family.

Never Ceases to Amaze Me

Often times, I find myself hurt and feeling betrayed.  I'm not the type of person to trust others very easily, I've had my share of back-stabbers, two -faced friends, competitive friends, and well.. enamies.  Enough to have a wall up when ever I meet new people, I'm usually pretty good on my judgement of character, but there are few times where I second guess it and take a chance on people.  More times than not, it ends up being a slap in the face and they end up turning out to be exactly who I thought they were.  Larry always tells me I'm too giving and that people take advantage of me.. I might say "i'll never do this or that for them again".. but odds are, when ever they need me again, I will be right there... thats just one of the things about me, I am a loyal friend, and a great friend, I will bend over backwards to be there for you.

I find it funny when people or friends tell me that they are too busy, and don't have time to do this.. or that.. or "I'll get to it when i have a chance"... come on dude, you are talking to someone that goes off of 3 hours of sleep practically every single night, are you really going to preach to me about not having time?  I'm a true hustler, I don't tell everyone I am to get props or compliments of "how do you do it", I just do it cuz its for me.  I don't talk about being a hustler and then the next day talk about taking naps or sleeping in.. those words don't apply to me. I just grind day in and day out, to do for me. and if a friend were to ask me to do something for them, I have absolutely no problem stopping what I'm doing for 2 min or 5 or 10 minutes to help a friend in need. ESPECIALLY a friend that continues to show me support when I need it.  I've always been one to say that you can't rely on anyone but yourself, but through out my years I've found very few people that I actually can rely on, but its literally smaller than a hand full. 

I am just one of those people that will bend over backwards for someone in need, not expecting to get something in return, BUT if there comes a time that I do need something, I always seem to be forgotten, or blown off.. as if I was never a friend to them.. I find it so amazing how people easily become so ungrateful... I think that is one of my best qualities, the fact that I have no problem letting someone know just how much I appreciate them and their efforts, because they really don't have to do anything for anyone else, but the fact that they do willingly, really says something about their character. I just wish there were more people out there like that

well to THOSE that are like that, thank you so very much for being a friend (and you know who you are).  and of course to my baby who, time after time, when the whole world seems to have turn their back on me, he always is there by my side comforting me, and helping me to see the brighter light.. Larry, I love you baby and don't know what I would ever do without you.

News - Such a horrible thing

So even though I'm highly against watching the news because it fills your mind with nothing but fear and negativity... I do watch it in the morning from time to time to see what the weather is like and what good it may bring to the day... (plus it helps with traffic alerts hehe) but today... OMG - just another reminder of what the news brings.. let me demonstrate.. it started like this... "first we will bring you the story of a drive by in San Bernardino where 5 people were rushed to the hospital from serious gun wounds, and a 5 year old who got shot in the head is in critical condition right now, but holding on for his life, then we will take you to Compton where a 6 year old girl's body was found in a closet in her uncles room wrapped up in a blanket and was found after her mother put in a missing persons add, then we will speak with the family of a truck driver whose two sons ages 15 and 4 were standing on the back of his big rig and had fallen off without him noticing causing him to run over them, killing one instantly, and the other died on the way to the hospital.. then we'll check in with 'blah blah blah' to go over this beautiful Monday weather.. isn't it beautiful?" other anchor says "why yes it is.." then they say "its a good way to start the week."

In Need

So I sent out an email blast to friends and family asking for help for my college tuition, this was very hard for me... seriously, asking for help is not easy, let alone asking for money, but in order to continue my education I knew I had to.  Over 300 people have gotten the link to my page and I have received 2 donations... Not that I am not absolutely grateful for those two donations, I just honestly thought with as much support and help I give to others I would have been alerted of more donations. Like all things, it takes time, I am just grateful people are passing the word along and taking time to visit my page, maybe by word of mouth my page will cross the nation hehe.. (hey i can dream) either way, it showed me that when i am in need and it comes to education, I truly am willing to do whatever it takes to further my learning.  Hopefully the donations can make a small indent in the loans I will have to take out for skewl later on.  Thank you Lord for my friends and family, thank you Lord for all your blessings. =) stay blessed