Troubled Me ...

It scares me at time... to think of the past and how things seem like such a cycle. You wish something would just stop and come to its end already, but then you wish some things could just go back to how they were... but you can't only have one with out the other... or can you?

I have connected with a lot of people but there are few outside of family members that I actually feel "connected" to ya know what i mean. My father is definetly someone I have an odd relationship/connection with. There are some that have seen the ups and downs I have experienced with my dad. These are the people I would think would understand my pain the most. As odd as it is though... They are not. They contribute and add on to that weird connection/relationship. People ask for my help or my attention, but I can only bear so much. To look into your eyes and see that emptiness that is with in kills me. I wonder if I had a part in it... I sit next to my father a man that has draged me thru hell and hurt me so much... and then i turn to you and see the hurt i have for you. its as if i know you are feeling pain and I feel it for you too. Except i express my emotions and feelings through words .. you chose liquor, drugs, cigerates, a slash to the wrist... some say if I stick around the old you may return.. but just by looking in your eyes, i know that person has come and gone.. and will never return. You were once so innocent and pure.. and some how your eyes got opened to a whole new world (maybe it was my fault) once you got the taste of the thrill you wanted to experience more and newer things.. then i lost you. I care for you so much that it trully disturbs me.

its like someone is asking for my help because they are drowning, while i'm trying to save my dad over here i have someone else asking for my help next to him. They are both very important to me ... but i feel weak and I know my strength can't handle them both plus trying to keep myself out of water... its only a matter of time before they pull me in, except i don't think i would even have the strength to hold my head above water... so do i turn away? or is that being selfish.. ahhh i don't know what to do.. all i know is that it kills me to see you both the way you are, it angers me too, ive had to deal with that crap all my life, i never woulda thought you would make me relive those moments and i never would have thought my father would continuously drag me through the mud with him... lord give me strength....

Being Thankful...

Before I start my day every morning I make sure I thank the Lord for giving me another day and for all his blessings... right now I like to take the time to say a special thank you to the Lord for my car, for my job, and for my apartment... often times we take for granted the things that we are blessed with and don't remember to be thankful for all things... I honestly do not know what I would do if I had a job where I had to work out side.. or even inside but they restrict the AC usage... (i use to work at K Mart and they DO NOT put the AC any lower than like 87 i swear)... And I'm so thank ful to have a car, because to ride a bus, walk, or ride a bike would be unbearable for me. Like most people I complain about my job or the way my car does this or that, but in all reality Im thankful to have them. I could be homeless, with out a job, and no AC to cool me off, I could be out there right now sitting outside the KMART asking for money for water or something, I'm fortunate enuff that the Lord blessed me with all my surroundings, and I want to say thank you, I acknowledge and appreciate all your blessings.

-Love Felicia <3

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

used by Nelson Mandela written by M. Williamson

an all time favorite <3

I am Me

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
-V. Satir

What to do . . .

My heart is cold
And I feel blue
Why do I feel the way I do?

I feel the earth below me
Like a pillow under my head
No knives, no guns, but some pills instead.

The bottle lays empty
Cap unscrewed
What will I do? What will I do?

Will my lover find me?
What will he say?
What will he think of the choice I made?

Will he pound the ground
and scream why oh why?
Or will he JUST say good bye?

My parents will arrive,
my sister too,
they ask out loud "what did she do?"

I look away,
but the pains too deep,
my life could be over because of me.

I look at the bottle
for one last glance
And I contemplate the consequence.

©Felicia Alcaraz 7/10/10

Recent Mishap

DUE TO THE RECENT MISHAP WITH VOTING.. BEEN KINDA "EHH" TODAY - MY SISTER TELLS ME, NOT 2WORRY I'VE BEEN FIGHTING 4 BETTER THINGS ALL MY LIFE - & SHE'S SEEN A LOT OF THE CHALLENGES I HAD 2OVERCOME W/MY EDUCATION - SO SHE KNOWS GOD WOULDN'T HAVE ME COME THIS FAR TO NOT MAKE IT ALL THE WAY... =) & MY BABY TELLS ME NO MATTER WHAT IMA WINNER & THE BESTEST IN HIS EYES... ♥ THANK YOU LORD 4 MY SUPPORT SYSTEM - FAMILY/LOVER/ OR FRIEND - IM THANKFUL 4U ALL & THIS TOO SHALL PASS .. SO BE READY FOR THE NEXT VOTING SESSION FOR SCHOLARSHIPS.. hehe & NEXT TIME MORE OF YOU WILL VOTE =) I AINT STOPPIN HERE - I DON'T GIVE UP THAT EASY... IM ON A MISSION BABY.. A MISSION FOR AN EDUCATION =)

Proud to Be...

Luke 6:38 "Give & it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you."

♥ Many people that know me.. really know me, know that I'm very loyal and I take pride in being a good friend. I will do everything in my power to help you out in your time of need. Even if you didn't help me in my time of need, cuz in the end... I'm the type of person that would still be there for you if you needed me, I won't hold a grudge, I'm just not like that.

I don't do things to get them in return, I just think of how I would want to be treated if I was in that situation, I don't do it because I wanna make sure you remember what I did for you so you can pay me back. I take pride in being like that, often times yes I get taken advantage of, but ultimately at the end of the day, I can go to sleep knowing that I was a good friend, and did everything in my power to stay that way.

whether it took a simple 5 min out of my day, or it took me a whole day, I can rest knowing I did all that I could do... I've had a lot of people, (friends & family) promise to be there for me and then turn thier back on me, or had disagreements, or even just having a "falling out" with them, but if at any moment I saw them in pain, hurt, or in need I would be there to comfort them, help them, or try to fill their need at the drop of a dime.I'm proud of the friend I can be, because I know I'm that "true" kind.

Some might say thats dumb, or I'm doing it to be fake or to hold something over someones head.. but I can go to sleep at night with comfort in my bed,because I know I did it / do it simply because my heart doesn't know otherwise, doesn't know what its like... to leave someone asking for help who is still in need and I don't wanna kno what its like.... cuz that just aint me...

♥ Stay Blessed

Evelyn Erives on Regis & Kelly?? What?? YOU Can Help Make It Happen

Hello all please read this sweet, thoughtful, and urgent email I received the other day. It is from a good friend of mine Chris Donovan about his wife (another good friend of mine) Evelyn Erives. Check it out! and submit Evelyn she really deserves this! =) ::


I can’t THANK YOU all enough for all the love and support that you showed during the 10 week rollercoaster, during the Woman of the Year campaign. As you all know by now, Evelyn did win. She is going to be honored on Aug 10th before the Angels game. If you want to go see us there that night, just go to the Angels website and buy tickets. It is a Tuesday night, so tickets shouldn’t be too much! Also, she is going to be on the cover of “OC Giving” the magazine (along with the Man of the Year, Jack Beckman) in August! So keep your eyes out for that!
The main reason for this email is, I want to try and surprise my wife with a once and a life time opportunity. It was brought to my attention that Regis and Kelly are looking for “Women of the Radio” to come on and co-host for a day in the near future. It is all web based, so if you are reading this email, all I ask from you is 3 minutes of your time.
Here is the link to go and submit Evelyn for the opportunity…
http://studio.go.com/cgi-bin/gmail/generic_mail.cgi?template=tvplex%2Flive%2Fcohostsearch-form.tpl
Once you get to this page, I have made it very easy for you to cut and past the info and links that they need for the submission. See below the blue print of their submission page.
==========================================================================

YOUR CONTACT INFO:
You fill this out


NOMINEE INFO:
Evelyn Erives

KGGI – FM (99.1)
951-684-1991
Riverside
CA


TELL US WHY YOU THINK THAT THIS PERSON SHOULD GUEST CO-HOST ON LIVE!?
(You can type whatever you want here!)


OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO RADIO STATION WEBSITE:
http://www.991kggifm.com/main.html


OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO BRODCASTERS BIO:
http://www.991kggifm.com/pages/evelynerives.html
OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO VIDEO OF BROADCASTER:
(Here are a couple to choose from)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvyBjvbRF0M

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=248288309799&v=app_2392950137

OPTIONAL: URL/LINK TO PODCAST OF AUDIO RECORDING:
(Here are a couple to choose from)

http://www.instantriverside.com/2010/04/kggi-fm-radio-riverside-leukemia-lymphoma-society/
http://www.instantriverside.com/2010/05/lindsay-lohan-kggi-riverside-evelyn-erives/
http://www.instantriverside.com/2010/03/kggi-fm-oscars-entertainment-news-riverside/


OPTIONAL: YOU MAY SUBMIT A PHOTO OR AUDIO FILE OF THE PERSON YOU ARE NOMINATING:
(I wouldn’t worry about this. There are pics of her all over the links that I have attached!)
===============================================================
I can’t thank you all enough to help with this! If you need anything, just drop me an email here. Also, remember you can vote once a day, so please if you have the time, do it a number of times until July 16th. Please feel free to pass this along to family and friends!
Can you imagine, Evelyn on Regis & Kelly!!!! That would be SOOOO awesome!
Sincerely,

Chris Donovan

(A very proud husband)