Lost & alone

Happiness lies in the beholder.. there are few things that make me happy but many that make me sad.. what is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal and at ease? Why can't I go back to the old me...? the one so happy and joyous.. the one so confident and free... who was ambitious and motivated.. and care free? So many things have created a cross roads on my track, yes I've over come so much in life.. but many things have left their track, their mark, the damage, that I must let go.. I try and i try but I don't know how. Many say they desire me, but I assure them that its a facade, they see the good things.. but dont know what lies beneath.. a troubled, damaged, girl.. with many issues.. you wouldn't think of in all the world. I just want love and effection, is that so much to ask? I just want someone to love me whole heartly, and who isn't afraid to shout it to the world. Who is proud to have me on their arm, not complain about how unhappy I am.. i just want someone to cradle me in their arms and kiss the back of my neck, someone to walk up behind me and tell me how good i look... someone to think outside the box and not send me flowers or roses.. but send me a small gift every hour on the hour for one special day. mail a card to me in the mail.. even though you'll see me inbetween the delivery.. things to make me smile and know that you're randomly thinking of me.. not because i want you to, or ask you to, but because you genuinely love me and do those things on your own.. i want a man.. a man who doesn't care if others think he's soft, as long as his woman is happy thats what matters.. im not asking for riches, pearls, or diamonds.. im asking for affection.. is that soo much?? really is it??